This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?