Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
New comic up. “Ransom”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten