I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me buying fruit and veg
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon