“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that