Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
man i love columbo
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Happy Taco Tuesday
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.