Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
How do dragons blow out candles?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Meow?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?