Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!