When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra