Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
May have had one breakfast too many
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.