drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
finally found a reasonable question
Not all heroes wear capes…
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.