me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.