Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Running from your problems is cardio .
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
screw you
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?