You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Good Morning.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
sensitive skin
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.