I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Strangers have the best candy.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
found my next D&D character name
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”