RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
become ungovernable
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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