Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
how much for the angry fruit?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.