Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
You Might Also Like
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”