it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.