Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Ugh but profoundly
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69