Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
oppen heimer style lol
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.