As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.