parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts