can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it