I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.