[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
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Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys