Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.