I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
You Might Also Like
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer