Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.