Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Teach your children to beatbox
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti