*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses