I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
True
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it