I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Is….Is this an option?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.