When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
thanksgiving should be called feaster
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”