My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
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Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
More like Kate Missington.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
uh oh