Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
❤️🦆
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for