Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.