The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
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COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.