The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Festive toon…
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If you had more money you’d be happier.