DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?