A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.