Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
There are no pants in heaven.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley