Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.