You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!