[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Pikachu found the lost joint
#ParentingFacts
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts