[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
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“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Just a bush.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
HOW DARE YOU
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine