[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes