[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder