If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.