Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
You Might Also Like
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[shakes fist at other fist]
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?