ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
😩😩😩
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera